I Love You, but…

February 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

One of the tenants in the Babywise series is using a parent-directed approach to child rearing and prioritizing your marriage. This has probably been one of the most important concepts that I support and appreciate. When I feel validated by my husband and feel like we’re on the same page, I feel on top of the world…whether my kids played through nap or whether we had the most unstructured day. Sleep training and structure are also extremely important, but focusing on my marriage and parenting with my husband has been one of the biggest blessings to me as well as an example to our children.

I don’t even remember where I read it but years ago I came across a bit of marriage advice that has stuck with me and truly changed me. The author warned against ever saying, “I Love You, but…” with an added stipulation.

I love you, but I need you to take out the garbage right now.

I love you, but I feel criticized.

I love you, but I really don’t want your mom to come to town this weekend.

{or even to your children} I love you, but I am really frustrated with your actions

It is perfectly fine to ask for help around the house. It is necessary to tactfully let your spouse know when you are feeling criticized and when you need space from family or friends. Most of us do not even realize when we say it. We want our spouse to feel loved even when we are asking for help or when we making our feelings known. However, it should never be tied to your unconditional love for your spouse.

Loving our spouse does not always feel unconditional, certainly not as easy as even loving our children unconditionally at times. When we add on to that sentence it really does lessen the impact. We are not truly trying to communicate love. We tie our love to a deed or a thought. We make it conditional, even though that is almost never the intent. Saying “I love you” should be one of the most special, thoughtful, well-intentioned, positive phrases that ever comes out of our mouth.

So since today happens to be Valentines Day, my challenge to you is to think carefully the next time you get ready to say “I Love You.” Make sure you leave it at that. Make sure your kids hear you tell your spouse that often but purposefully. Make sure that your spouse knows that you are expressing love and only love in that moment. Teach your children the power of that phrase and the importance of never tying it an action or adding on a stipulation. Look for ways to show unconditional love!

Bethany blogs at The Graceful Mom as well as works outside of the home. She is a wife, a mother, and also passionate about inspiring and encouraging other working mothers.

Filed Under: Guest, Marriage, Parenting

Babywise – The Early Days

January 10, 2013 By Leave a Comment

This post was provided by Emily Parker from over at journeyofparenthood.com. Please join me in welcoming Emily to the Babywise-friendly Networked Blogs

I have had many of my sweet friends ask how I started out doing from the beginning. With my son, Kye, I did not learn about Babywise until he was three weeks old. But with my daughter, Brittlynn, I started from birth by using some of these techniques:

  • Focus on Full Feedings: Nothing else during the first two weeks matters. Just do your best to keep your baby AWAKE while eating to make sure they get a FULL feeding. You don’t want them to be snacking all the time…so tickle their feet, wet their little heads, do what you have to in order to keep them awake while they eat!
  • Feed On Demand: Whenever Brittlynn woke up, I fed her. Since I did focus so much of my effort on full feedings for her she fell into a natural 3 hour eating routine pretty early on. The better you do with the full feedings, the less often they will wake up hungry!
  • Wake the Sleeping Baby: Sleep is important, yes, but in the early days keeping your supply up and getting in those full feedings is TOP priority. Make sure you are feeding your baby 8-10 times a day in a 24 hour period. In the first few weeks they shouldn’t go longer than 3 hours between feedings (except after the late-evening feeding where you cross your fingers and hope they give you a little more rest!).
  • Eat-Awake-Sleep Cycle: A sleepy newborn is a common thing but even at the hospital I tried to have this cycle in place. After she ate I would try to keep her awake before putting her to sleep. Even if just for a few minutes! Literally, sometimes it was a quick second of her eyes being open before she went to sleep…but it counted 😉 Again, keeping the baby awake during feedings helps with this cycle. The only time you don’t want any awake time between eating and sleeping is during the middle of the night feedings!
  • Put the Baby DOWN to Sleep: I never held Britt to sleep. Even in the hospital I always put her down in her little crib when she was sleeping. At home we always put her in her crib or pack and play or bassinet to sleep…never in our arms! If she woke during nap I would move her to the swing to finish the nap but resisted ever rocking her/holding her to get her back to sleep. It did happen sometimes, but was always a last resort. That’s a beautiful thing about nursing…you get LOTS of cuddle time!
  • Avoid Sleep Props: With nursing you really want to avoid introducing a pacifier anyway, but I think it’s especially helpful for sleep training to not give the baby any type of prop. My son was a pacifier baby and was also a terrible napper up until we weaned him from the pacifier at age two. Brittlynn never took the pacifier and has been able to self-soothe so much better than Kye ever did!
  • Attack the Gas: Gassy babies struggle to sleep because they are in pain. Britt was a gassy baby and it did cause her sleep issues. During her (brief) awake times I would make my #1 goal helping her get rid of gas. There are all kinds of burping techniques and other tricks to relieve a gassy baby (I loved to pump her little legs! Always did the trick!) and you can also give gas drops when needed to help. A gas free baby is a happy baby 😉
  • Respect the “Schedule”: For the first couple of weeks there is NO set schedule. However, when she slept I didn’t wake her for visitors and such. People want to see the baby but I told them she was sleeping and let them know when I thought she’d be awake again if they wanted to stay. And even when she was awake she pretty much ate the entire time anyway so they could really only see the back of her head while I nursed her 😉 I would always let visitors hold and love on her as soon as she got done feeding, during those few rare awake moments!
  • Keep Sleep Conditions Consistent: We swaddled Brittlynn at the hospital and continued to do so as soon as we got home. We swaddled her every time she slept. We also made sure that wherever she was sleeping (in her room during naps, ours at night for the first couple of weeks) that it was kept very dark and that we had white noise of some kind. It’s important during awake times (feedings too!) to have the conditions be noticeably different than they are during sleep times (have it bright, no swaddling, etc).
  • REST: It is hard to do but you have to take care of yourself. Giving birth is no joke and you need your rest to be able to fully recover and give your best self to your baby. Whenever I wasn’t nursing Brittlynn I would try to soak in a bath or SLEEP. People will WANT to help you…let them. You need it! By taking care of myself I was better able to take care of her and give her what she needed to allow her to thrive 🙂
I truly believe that starting to implement the Babywise techniques from birth helped Brittlynn to develop into the wonderful sleeper she is today. It is such a blessing to have a baby who loves her sleep. We are able to spend more quality time with our son and as a family together because she is always well-rested!
Our family the night we came home from the hospital with Brittlynn!
Emily and family
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Daddy Intuition

June 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Bethany Lynch at The Graceful Mom

Most everyone chatters about women’s intuition or gut feeling. Just
the other night I got a “Good Call!” from my husband when my son took
about 2 seconds too long washing his hands and then came running out
of the bathroom.

Go let the water out of the sink, buddy!!

Sure enough it was full of bubbles. Mommy intuition has served me well
many days. However, there is also a lot of truth in that sometimes
daddies hit the nail on the head too. It is a pain and a privilege to
have a husband that understands our kids better than I at times.

My husband and I have followed Babywise from birth with both children.
He has been very much on the same page with parent-directed rearing
and first-time obedience. Usually we do not differ too widely in our
approach. However, the one thing that he always gets right is
shortening naps. Every.single.time. He has always had this great
insight into when our kids are ready for more waketime and less sleep.
I usually stress over it, troubleshoot for week, poll other Babywise
friends…and then finally decide to try the dreaded shorter nap.
Almost every time it has worked like a charm. No more nap fiascoes
(mostly), no more troubleshooting, much less hassle, and more
well-rested kids overall.

Is napping the end of the world? Of course not, but ask any mom with a
2 year old on a hardcore nap strike if she would like a solution for
better naps. Shortening naps is not a solution for every sleep issue,
but both of our kids have done very well with dropping naps or
shortening sleep at the suggestion of my husband. Unfortunately, it
has taken me almost 4 years to admit this!!

Naps are just one of his specialties. There are many other areas where
my husband has shown this great “daddy intuition.” He, like many dads,
does an excellent job at assessing the whole picture, where we as
mothers often get bogged down in the details. I think he also does a
better job at being relaxed about troubleshooting or trying different
approaches. Almost every time I have over analyzed a decision, my husband can
offer more clarity than I even imagined.

Next time you are searching for answers for a scenario, let your
husband give it a spin. I bet that he is probably a lot closer to the
answer than you think!

 

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Father’s Impact on His Daughters

May 10, 2012 By 1 Comment

Father and Daughter

by Valerie Plowman

My first-born child is a boy. Following him was a son that we lost at 20 weeks gestation. After that, I was sure I was “destined” to be a mother of all boys. I had always gotten along well with boys and figured this was my perfect role in life.

Fast forward to today when I have since had two girls and am expecting my third. As usual, the Lord had different plans for me than I had for myself.

With all of these daughters, I have been pondering how to raise wonderful women. As I have done so, I remember my mother often telling me that I was lucky because a father has a huge impact on the self-esteem of his daughters. I was lucky. I consider my dad to be one of the best men to ever walk this planet. I am fortunate to have married a man that I think is equally as wonderful as my own father.

As I was thinking of what to write for this guest post, I decided on a post encouraging and informing fathers of their great impact on their daughters. Research supports what my mother always told me–fathers have a huge influence on the self-esteem of their daughters. Of course fathers impact sons, also, but given my perspective as a female, I thought I would focus on daughters today. I also want to encourage any parent who is parenting without a father present for any reason. There are many people who grew up without fathers who are confident, capable people. Most often, this is attributed to the extreme dedication and effort by the mother. Knowing what a father does for a daughter can help you think of ways to fill in these gaps.

Dr. Margaret J. Meeker, a pediatrition with more than 20 years of experience in counseling girls, wrote a book called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know. In it, she lists some findings from her research on the important influence of fathers. Here are some:

  • Toddlers securely attached to fathers are better at solving problems.
  • Six-month-olds scored higher on tests of mental development when their dads were involved in their lives.
  • With dads in the home, children managed school stress better.
  • Daughters whose fathers provide warmth and control achieve higher academic success. Girls involved with dad are twice as likely to stay in school.
  • Daughters who are close to their fathers exhibit less anxiety and withdrawn behaviors.
  • The likelihood that daughters engage in premarital sex, drug use, and alcohol plummets when their dads are involved in their lives.
  • Daughters who feel that their fathers care about them and feel connected with their dads have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and unhealthy weight.
  • A daughter’s self-esteem is best predicted by her father’s loving affection.

Meeker says, “From the first years of a girl’s life her father is larger than life. She looks up to him, and for the rest of her life she craves his admiration, his respect and his affection.”

Her research is not alone in these findings. This paper supports these findings. A tid-bit from this paper is: 

“According to research conducted by Nielsen, “fathers generally have as much or more influence than mothers on many aspects of their daughters’ lives. For example, the father has the greater impact on the daughter’s ability to trust, enjoy and relate well to the males in her life …well-fathered daughters are usually more self-confident, more self-reliant, and more successful in school and in their careers than poorly-fathered daughters …Daughters with good relationships with their father are also less likely to develop eating disorders” (2007, ¶ 12).”

So you now believe that the father is a huge impact, but what can a father do to have a positive influence on his daughters? I won’t pretend to have all of the answers. I would encourage continual prayerfulness and observance of your daughter to analyze what you can do for your daughter. Here are some ideas for you.

  • Be present in her life. Spend time with her, talk with her, be involved in daily things like bedtime, and invite her to help you with your own projects. My five year old daughter doesn’t have a special interest in tools, but she loves to be in the garage and help her dad simply because she wants to spend time with him.
  • Be supportive of her. Attend her special events. My dad made it to everything he possibly could to support me in my various activities and events. My husband recently left work for an hour so he could go to my daughter’s preschool class simply to read her favorite book to the class. He apparently reads it the very best. She was concerned at my ability to read it correctly. He surprised her by coming and reading it. She was thrilled. Our daughters have supportive grandfathers. Our daughter recently had a dance recital. Neither grandmother was able to come that night, but both grandfathers were there anyway.
  • Go on dates. One-on-one time is great. Take your daughter out on special dates. My husband and I shoot for one special date per child per month. We alternate who we have on our special date. The children love this. From my own childhood, I remember one particular time when my father took my sister and I to the Phantom of the Opera. In January, we saw an advertisement that it would be in our area the next July. Just one time, we told our dad how we would love to see it. We never mentioned it again. He surprised us with the best seats in the house. My dad is not a “Phantom of the Opera” type of a guy. He is more of a Pittsburgh Steelers or New York Yankees type of a guy. This special date meant a lot to us.
  • Compliment her. Offer sincere compliments and encouragement. Your words will mean a lot.
  • Offer physical affection. This isn’t usually a difficulty in the father/daughter relationship, but be sure you give your daughter the cuddles, hugs, and kisses she needs from you.

Do not make the false assumption that your presence in your daughter’s life is of minimal impact. Your daughter will look for a spouse that reminds her of you–for better or worse. You being male does not mean you will not have a huge impact on how your daughter views herself as a female–studies suggest you have even more of an impact than the mother. You are an important aspect to your daughter’s life.

Valerie is the mother of three and one on the way. She blogs at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom.


 

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Dad’s role in FTO training

April 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Maureen Monfore, www.childwisechat.com

Dad and First Time Obedience TrainingIn On Becoming Childwise and Growing Kids God’s Way, the Ezzos make it clear that training a child in first-time obedience (FTO) is one of the most important parenting tasks. When we train a child in first-time obedience, our primary goal is that they will obey us the first time we give an instruction, no questions asked.

In my blog, www.childwisechat.com, and on message boards, I hear moms struggle with the fact that their children seem to respond to the FTO training they have done. But the minute their husbands get home, the children don’t listen to him.

So let me be clear that although much of the training can be done by mom since she’s home most of the day, dads must also work with their children on first-time obedience.

It would make sense that all you have to do is teach a child a skill like first-time obedience one time and it will carry over to all other relationships. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Our children figure us out very quickly. They know that moms and dads have different standards, however minor they may be, and they will only rise to the standard you each hold.

So unfortunately, dads, this means that you cannot rest on your laurels after a long day’s work and let your wife do all of the obedience training. All of the aspects of first-time obedience training apply to you just as much as they do to your wife.

If you’re new to the idea of first-time obedience training, you can learn more on my blog or in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. There are several principles to consider when laying a solid foundation for FTO training. They include:

Understand that first-time obedience is a skill your child needs to learn. It’s also a new habit you will need to set for yourself. It will be difficult at first, especially if your child is used to ignoring you, but the payoff is so rewarding.

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Take baby steps to get first-time obedience

March 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Source: write-what-you-dont-know.com

It’s Babywise Blog Network Week! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

· Monday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
· Tuesday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
· Wednesday: Hank Osborne, Daddy Life
· Thursday: Rachel Rowell, My Baby Sleep Guide
· Friday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom

Help us promote solidarity within the Babywise/Ezzo community by subscribing to these blogs.

___________________________________

By Maureen Monfore, ChildwiseChat.com

If you’ve read my blog at all, it’s likely you understand the value of training a child in first-time obedience (FTO). First-time obedience is a phrase commonly heard in Ezzo parenting circles. It means that a child obeys his parents’ instructions the first time, no questions asked.

Training a child in first-time obedience isn’t easy. But the payoff is huge in creating an atmosphere of peace and harmony in the home. Putting in the effort to train a child is so worth it.

Any parent ready to start the journey of FTO training must understand that it is a journey. It’s a process. You will not achieve complete FTO in a day (or even 10).

I have read some parenting books and websites and walked away with the feeling that I need to do it all, and I need to do it all right now! I come away feeling like I’m doing everything “wrong” and that I have so much ground to cover if we are to get it all done.

These experts bring out the worst legalistic parent in me. I get started trying to apply their advice, and after a couple of days, I end up frustrated and exhausted. My kids are exacerbated. Nobody is happy, and I end up hating the parent I’ve become.

I make this point because I don’t want to be one of those “experts” who drives you to the brink of insanity. When you read my blog, and if you read my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience, please take note when I suggest that you take baby steps in your FTO training.

The bad news is that there is no quick fix. The good news is that you won’t frustrate yourself or exacerbate your child. You have a long-term roadmap to teach your child to be obedient, submissive and respectful.

In my eBook, I outline the many steps required to achieve first-time obedience. I also include a “FTO Bootcamp” that walks you through the various phases of FTO training, day by day. It is written in a way to help you realize that you don’t need to do it all right now. I try to emphasize that if a certain FTO training phase takes 3 months instead of 3 days, then so be it. Take the time you need to work through the steps.

It’s better to take several months to complete the journey than to try it, frustrate yourself, exacerbate your child, give up, and then feel lost when your child disobeys and you have no plan to address the disobedience.

By the same token, allow your child to take baby steps when complying with your FTO requests. Don’t start your FTO training by requiring the child to do some monumental task. Don’t begin when he’s sick, tired or hungry. And only work on one aspect of FTO training at a time.

Equate it to teaching a child to swim. First-time obedience is a skill just like swimming. You don’t throw your child into the deep end, expect him to swim, and then discipline him when he sinks. You teach him by first having him blow bubbles in the water. Then you teach him how to go under water. You teach him how to float on his back. And you teach him how to do the various strokes to swim.

All of these baby steps are required. It’s not until you have taken each baby step one at a time that you can expect that the skill will be perfected. And as you can imagine, teaching a child to swim takes time and practice. Allow yourself time and practice when training your child in FTO.

If your critical Aunt Edna is coming to visit and you are worried about your child’s behavior, don’t expect that you can get all of your FTO work done in a few days. You will only frustrate yourself and exacerbate your child. Allow enough time to complete the whole process. Take as many baby steps as you need.

All of the tips, steps and phases outlined in my eBook are designed to prevent you from biting off more than you can chew in your first-time obedience training. You want to appropriately train the child, but you want to do so lovingly, fairly and peacefully. Only then will you have success with your training and achieve true harmony in your home.

 

Maureen Monfore is a mother of two young boys, a freelance writer, and the author of ChildwiseChat.com and the eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. A loyal follower of the teachings of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, she is passionate about teaching children to obey to pave the way for fun, love, learning, and essential moral development.

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Some Like it Hot (Sleep, that is)

March 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Hot Babyby Valerie Plowman from www.babywisemom.com.

My children amuse me. I know everyone is amused by their own children. Children are like most people–incredibly quirky. My children are no different, and I find quirks both fascinating and amusing.

Brayden does not mind being cold. He is bewildered when his friends want to go inside after playing in the snow for two hours. Even as a pre-toddler, he did not want to wear a coat out in the brisk fall weather. He just doesn’t mind it.

Kaitlyn does not like to be cold. Unless incredible fun is happening, she is done in the snow after 30 minutes. She especially does not like to have wind blowing on her. Spring is not a fun time due to the wind issues.

McKenna is like Brayden–she does not mind the cold. She will play outside in the snow forever. Brayden is lucky to have her.

That isn’t the quirky part. Here comes the quirky part.

Brayden (6 years old) does not like to be cold when he sleeps. He currently sleeps in a sweatshirt, flannel pajama bottoms, and socks. He wears a child-sized snuggie that his grandmother gave him for Christmas. Then he has his sheet, a comforter, a heavy afaghan, his baby quilt I made him, two fleece blankets, and a couple small cotton blankets thrown on top. His room is kept at 70 degrees. Not kidding.

Kaitlyn (4 years old) loves to be cold when she sleeps. She has the coldest bedroom in the house. She currently sleeps in a flimsy nightgown meant for warm summer nights and hates to sleep in socks. She sleeps with a sheet, comforter, and a couple of fleece blankets because I think she must be freezing, not because she wants them.

McKenna (2 years old) also does not like to be cold when she sleeps. She sleeps in warm pajamas and socks. She has the warmest bedroom in the house. She has more blankets than I can count and she knows if I try to remove some. And she knows which ones I have removed. If she wakes from a nap and had bare arms (because she took off her cardigan because she was “too hot” during playtime), she wakes up crying.

See? They are quirky.

I share these quirks to illustrate that some children like to be warm when they sleep and others like to be on the cooler side. ALSO, it takes some observation to know what they each like–it isn’t always what you might assume.

How Do You Know?
I know this is an annoying answer for some people, but for me, I just knew. I could tell Brayden liked to sleep warmer as a baby. When Kaitlyn came along, I quickly figured out she liked to be cooler (and I got many lectures from certain relatives about her lack of socks–she hated socks as a four week old and still hates socks as a four year old and I feel so vindicated as a mother!).

The best advice I can give you is to pay attention. You need to notice patterns. You might need to take notes to see these patterns, or you might be able to track it in your head. What did your child wear to sleep in? What blankets, if any, were involved? What was the temperature in the room?

And with that information, how did your child sleep that night?

What Temperature is Best?
It seems most sleep experts agree somewhere between 65-70 degrees is best (though some go as low as 60 and high as 75). That really is a wide range, though. 60 feels very differently than 75. How do you tell what is best for your individual child? Once again, this is where the power of observation comes into play. You have your range to work with, now experiment and see what works best.

Why is temperature so important?

“Experts agree the temperature of your sleeping area and how comfortable you feel in it affect how well and how long you snooze. Why? “When you go to sleep, your set point for body temperature — the temperature your brain is trying to achieve — goes down,” says H. Craig Heller, PhD, professor of biology at Stanford University, who wrote a chapter on temperature and sleep for a medical textbook. “Think of it as the internal thermostat.” If it’s too cold, as in Roy’s case, or too hot, the body struggles to achieve this set point.

That mild drop in body temperature induces sleep. Generally, Heller says, “if you are in a cooler [rather than too-warm] room, it is easier for that to happen.” But if the room becomes uncomfortably hot or cold, you are more likely to wake up, says Ralph Downey III, PhD, chief of sleep medicine at Loma Linda University…” (source)

Finding the perfect temperature gets tricky with the more people you add to the family.

I recommend you figure out what the lowest temperature needs to be. So in our family, my husband and Kaitlyn like to sleep in a cooler environment. So the thermostat is set to a cooler temperature for those two. Even in the winter, my husband sleeps with only a sheet and a light blanket. No socks.

Then the rest of us warm sleepers adjust our environment as needed. We all wear warmer PJs and all wear socks in the winter. We all have our layers of blankets. The children have space heaters in their rooms that have a thermostat.

So in your quest for good sleep in your family, do not underestimate the importance of temperature, pajamas, and blankets. It is a vital element in getting peaceful, continuous sleep. What is perfect for you will not automatically be perfect for anyone else in the home. Work to figure out the ideal for each person and figure out how to achieve that in your home. You will all be sleeping better if you do!

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