Raising Girls

April 11, 2013 By 2 Comments
Girls
by Valerie Plowman

There is a lot of debate out there about differences between males and females. Are there differences? If so, are they caused by nature or nurture? There is a large camp that believe that any differences displayed by the two genders is simply a result of the way parents and society treat the children from birth. There are also, however, studies that show that girls and boys learn differently–their brains are used differently.

I happen to be one who believes boys and girls are inherently different. Are there effects of nurture on each gender? Sure. I definitely believe nurture can impact a personality, as I think most parents who follow the Babywise philosophy believe. We wouldn’t put the time and effort we do into parenting if we thought nurture was of little consequence. I also believe that nature has a big impact on who we are. I believe the Lord created male and female; I believe we are different and different for a reason.

Growing up, I always related to males more than females. Why? I am not sure. I have no brothers. I just, by nature, and more “chill.” My oldest is a boy. I then lost a baby boy, solidifying by belief that I would be a mom to all boys. Maybe one girl would come my way. And yet here I sit, as my oldest is about to turn 8, with one boy and three girls :). My next door neighbor has six boys and one girl, so we often talk about and observe the differences between boys and girls. I think you notice the differences a lot more when you observe them in your children. It is interesting to see their difference in their nature when the nurturing aspect is essentially the same.

There is something so sweet about girls. With this post, I don’t intend to speak negatively of one gender or pit them against each other. There are great virtues to be found in each unique quality. My intention is simply to point out the what has struck me as the starkest contrasts between the two genders. So what are the differences? Here are the top five things that have surprised me about a girl–the things to be prepared for if you are about to have a girl. Now, not every girl will be all of these ways, and some will display these characteristics to higher degrees than others. They are generally true, however.

1. Girls Are Talkative

This is a huge stereotype, right? Girls talk a lot. This is one of my favorite things about girls, personally, because I love to talk and as a mom, I love to know what is going on when I am not around my child.

One day, my then two year old Kaitlyn came inside and told me about the time she had just spent playing outside with the neighbor boy. She went on and on and ended with, “Max at a bug!” I sat, really, in shock. I think she had just filled my ears with more information about her one afternoon than my then four year old son had given me in all of his afternoons combined!

I called my neighbor up and told her all of the news I just received. “Can you believe all that she told me?” My neighbor, remember the one with 6 boys, was also surprised. We were used to boys and their general lack of sharing. I must add, though, that one of Brayden’s best friend is the son of one of my best friends and he actually freely shares quite a bit of information, so there are boys who will be talkative, and there are girls who are not talkative. Remember, this is in general and there are always exceptions.

Girls talk, and girls talk freely. So long as you don’t do anything to stop her from talking, she will freely share detail after detail about her day.

Compare this to my son who manages to create a one word answer even to my college-trained open ended questions. Why is he this way? Why is my daughter so talkative? My answer is nature. It is innate. It is a stereotype for a reason. I have read psychology books on boys and why they don’t talk, and the popular road to take is that boys are suppressed from expressing themselves, so they learn to not talk…I promise you I have done no such thing. Can we get boys to talk? Yes! We can do tricky little things we have read about, studied, and practiced over the years. Girls, however, are just bursting to share their information with you. No tricks required.

A tip for the talkative girl: remember girls tend to like full attention when you talk to them. While boys (and men) can feel uncomfortable with you sitting and looking at them straight on while they talk to you, girls prefer this when they are talking (unless it is an intimidating topic–then doing something like washing dishes while talking can be a good idea).

2. Girls Sit Still

I have two extreme girls in the movement department. One has always been, even from the womb, a very still child. She was so still I worried if she was okay in there. Another has always been, even from the womb, a mover and a shaker. They both are this way to this day.

But they both can and do sit still. It is not a challenge for them to sit and color, sit and listen, or just sit in my lap. For this reason, girls are often, really, just easier in a lot of situations. Church with a toddler girl is so much easier than with a toddler boy! Anyone who was or is an elementary teacher can tell you how much boys need to move around and expend that energy.

McKenna, my four year old, is in a playgroup with eight children. Seven of them are girls. These girls, ages 3-4, can easily sit for the 1.5 hours of playgroup and do crafts, coloring pages, listen to stories, etc. The boy actually does quite well for a boy, but is always anxious to move on to the next thing–especially playtime!

Can boys be taught to sit still? Yes! As parents who follow Babywise, we have many tools at our disposal for teaching about self-control and sitting still. But if you take my incredibly obedient first-born son and compare how easy it is for him to sit still to my rambunctious four year old girl who loves to “test the waters,” she still has an easier time of it, even with her disposition to be a mover and a shaker.

A tip for the still girl: A downside to the sitting girl can be getting her to get up and do things. Most young children are so active this is rarely a problem, but some girls will need to be required to go play outside or they will spend each day just sitting and drawing. While sitting still is great, exercise is also important.

3. Girls Stay Close By

Girls tend to want to stay close to you. My girls love to be in the same room as I do when I am doing something–even if we aren’t necessarily interacting, they just want proximity to me. My son is more apt to run off and do his own thing. I have noticed when I get together with moms at the park or at the church that the girls will often spend some time just sitting next to mom or on mom’s lap, while the boys will usually run off and play the entire time.

A tip for the close girl: allow for time each day when you do things together in the same room–even if you are doing different things. Being close will help her feel close to you emotionally.

4. Girls Play Quietly

Girls play very differently from boys. Boys tend to be very physically active while girls will sit still (go back to number two). Boys get more silly when playing. Girls can get silly. My girls get very silly…if their brother is home. They jump on his “train” and follow his silly lead. If he is not home, they play rather quietly and rather calmly. I would argue this is more personality than gender related except that the same is true for my four year old who loves to laugh and loves to move. Her natural disposition is far more in this way than my son’s, yet he is still the sillier one who moves more.

Boys quickly escalate and really just get crazy without physical movement (this is why I think recess is so important for boys in school). Even Brayden’s second grade teacher commented to me the other day how much the boys just need recess. She said, “It isn’t great weather, but I need to get them out there. If they don’t have recess, they just get…” she paused. I finished for her, “Crazy?” “YES!”

Girls will sit and play ponies, dolls, barbies, puzzles…boys like to pretend play some elaborate battle scene or run around with balls. Yes, girls can enjoy those things. Yes, boys can sit still and play (especially with a toy like Legos). In general, you will notice girls are more content to sit and play and boys are more inclined to be moving when playing.

You will also notice they way they play is different. Girls play in a much more nurturing way than boys. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, I got out some of my old dolls to put in her nursery. I gave one to my then 18 month old son. He looked at it, then threw it to the ground. Picked it up and threw it again. I was a bit surprised and worried about bringing a baby home! He was fine with a real baby :). But his play with the baby doll was rough. I compare that to my 8 current month old girl, who is gentle and nurturing with dolls even at this young age.

A tip for the quiet girl: Enjoy it! Seriously.

5. Girls Are Emotional

This is really the biggest difference for me because it is the hardest thing for me to work with. Girls are emotional. Books I have read on the psychology of boys argue that this is because we have trained boys to not show their emotions. While I do think it is true that boys are often raised to keep emotions hidden, I do think girls are by nature just more emotional. I think if you were to train the emotions out of someone, they would have to first display them. Brayden just has never had an emotional break down like my girls have.

To be fair, he is extremely logical. My second child (oldest girl) is not logical and her emotions can really get away from her. My third child is very logical and can often easily recover from emotional moments, but she still has times when she just cries for no reason. And we women know all about that! Sometimes we just cry and we don’t really know why. Girls can just be emotional and it can be hard to know what to do when she suddenly breaks down for no apparent reason.

A tip for the emotional girl: Listen to her concerns. Hold her. Let her “get it out.” Repeat what she tells you about why she is upset; this will help her know she is understood and will allow her to clarify if you are not understanding what she means.

Conclusion

The differences between boys and girls can be quite striking. Some differences make one easier than the other at different moments. What one parent finds easier, another will find harder. Some introvert parents might feel suffocated by the constant presence of the girl, while the extrovert parent might typically love that. Some parents might love the endless energy of boys, while others will find it draining.

No matter the natural tendencies and the qualities, we can nurture certain things in our children. We can teach our children how to appropriately express emotions. We can teach a boy to sit still and encourage a girl to play on her own. We can also accept and embrace these natural differences. I believe they are innate in our nature and help us to be who we were intended to be. So let us as parents nurture these natural qualities and draw out the virtue of each while we attempt to quiet the vice side of each.

Valerie is a wife and a mother to four (ages 7, 5, 4, and 8 months). She blogs at www.babywisemom.com.

Filed Under: Boys Being Boys, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Babywise – The Early Days

January 10, 2013 By Leave a Comment

This post was provided by Emily Parker from over at journeyofparenthood.com. Please join me in welcoming Emily to the Babywise-friendly Networked Blogs

I have had many of my sweet friends ask how I started out doing from the beginning. With my son, Kye, I did not learn about Babywise until he was three weeks old. But with my daughter, Brittlynn, I started from birth by using some of these techniques:

  • Focus on Full Feedings: Nothing else during the first two weeks matters. Just do your best to keep your baby AWAKE while eating to make sure they get a FULL feeding. You don’t want them to be snacking all the time…so tickle their feet, wet their little heads, do what you have to in order to keep them awake while they eat!
  • Feed On Demand: Whenever Brittlynn woke up, I fed her. Since I did focus so much of my effort on full feedings for her she fell into a natural 3 hour eating routine pretty early on. The better you do with the full feedings, the less often they will wake up hungry!
  • Wake the Sleeping Baby: Sleep is important, yes, but in the early days keeping your supply up and getting in those full feedings is TOP priority. Make sure you are feeding your baby 8-10 times a day in a 24 hour period. In the first few weeks they shouldn’t go longer than 3 hours between feedings (except after the late-evening feeding where you cross your fingers and hope they give you a little more rest!).
  • Eat-Awake-Sleep Cycle: A sleepy newborn is a common thing but even at the hospital I tried to have this cycle in place. After she ate I would try to keep her awake before putting her to sleep. Even if just for a few minutes! Literally, sometimes it was a quick second of her eyes being open before she went to sleep…but it counted 😉 Again, keeping the baby awake during feedings helps with this cycle. The only time you don’t want any awake time between eating and sleeping is during the middle of the night feedings!
  • Put the Baby DOWN to Sleep: I never held Britt to sleep. Even in the hospital I always put her down in her little crib when she was sleeping. At home we always put her in her crib or pack and play or bassinet to sleep…never in our arms! If she woke during nap I would move her to the swing to finish the nap but resisted ever rocking her/holding her to get her back to sleep. It did happen sometimes, but was always a last resort. That’s a beautiful thing about nursing…you get LOTS of cuddle time!
  • Avoid Sleep Props: With nursing you really want to avoid introducing a pacifier anyway, but I think it’s especially helpful for sleep training to not give the baby any type of prop. My son was a pacifier baby and was also a terrible napper up until we weaned him from the pacifier at age two. Brittlynn never took the pacifier and has been able to self-soothe so much better than Kye ever did!
  • Attack the Gas: Gassy babies struggle to sleep because they are in pain. Britt was a gassy baby and it did cause her sleep issues. During her (brief) awake times I would make my #1 goal helping her get rid of gas. There are all kinds of burping techniques and other tricks to relieve a gassy baby (I loved to pump her little legs! Always did the trick!) and you can also give gas drops when needed to help. A gas free baby is a happy baby 😉
  • Respect the “Schedule”: For the first couple of weeks there is NO set schedule. However, when she slept I didn’t wake her for visitors and such. People want to see the baby but I told them she was sleeping and let them know when I thought she’d be awake again if they wanted to stay. And even when she was awake she pretty much ate the entire time anyway so they could really only see the back of her head while I nursed her 😉 I would always let visitors hold and love on her as soon as she got done feeding, during those few rare awake moments!
  • Keep Sleep Conditions Consistent: We swaddled Brittlynn at the hospital and continued to do so as soon as we got home. We swaddled her every time she slept. We also made sure that wherever she was sleeping (in her room during naps, ours at night for the first couple of weeks) that it was kept very dark and that we had white noise of some kind. It’s important during awake times (feedings too!) to have the conditions be noticeably different than they are during sleep times (have it bright, no swaddling, etc).
  • REST: It is hard to do but you have to take care of yourself. Giving birth is no joke and you need your rest to be able to fully recover and give your best self to your baby. Whenever I wasn’t nursing Brittlynn I would try to soak in a bath or SLEEP. People will WANT to help you…let them. You need it! By taking care of myself I was better able to take care of her and give her what she needed to allow her to thrive 🙂
I truly believe that starting to implement the Babywise techniques from birth helped Brittlynn to develop into the wonderful sleeper she is today. It is such a blessing to have a baby who loves her sleep. We are able to spend more quality time with our son and as a family together because she is always well-rested!
Our family the night we came home from the hospital with Brittlynn!
Emily and family
Filed Under: Guest, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Teach the Value of Giving and Receiving

December 20, 2012 By 1 Comment
child opening gift

Source: everythingellee.blogspot.com

By Maureen Monfore, www.ChildwiseChat.com

The holidays are upon us! How will your children handle the holiday?

In many homes, Christmas becomes all about the gifts: shopping, wrapping, and receiving. And for children especially, who aren’t necessarily involved in the shopping, Christmas is an indulgent time that’s all about receiving. I’ve seen many a child who opens a gift and tosses it aside to open the next one.

Christmas is a fun time with children, but it also makes parents cringe when they think of how her children might react to their various gifts. Will he say “thank you” for every gift? Will he even acknowledge the giver? Will he stop to express sincere gratitude before moving on to the next gift? Will he say something special like, “I’ve always wanted this.”

Don’t leave this to chance. Don’t teach gratitude in the moment. Plan ahead and start teaching the value of giving and receiving now.

Every year, I like to take the time to assess my kids and how they might behave at Christmas. I want to make sure they will give and receive at Christmas with grace and gratitude. My children are 8 and 5 now, so they should be old enough to understand the value of giving and receiving, but I’m not going to leave it to chance. In fact, as children get older, they tend to get a little greedier.

When my boys were little, they would open one present and go off to play with it. The adults would encourage the child to open the next gift, since the idea is that we all sit around and open gifts at the same time. Honestly, though, I’d prefer that they open one gift at a time. It can help mitigate that greediness.

So over the years, my kids have learned that opening gifts is part of our Christmas tradition. And they know enough to expect several gifts. They are also involved in the process of creating a Christmas list. While everyone likes to know what my children like, I’m beginning to think that the Christmas list isn’t such a good idea. It sets the expectation that they can request their gifts and that they will receive everything on their lists. Last year, I cringed when William said something like, “I didn’t want this.” It was an innocent comment; he just thought he was only getting what was on his list, and the gift wasn’t something he put on his list. Sadly, I had to teach him in the moment, in front of the giver.

It’s moments like that that have taught me that I need to train my children in how to behave at Christmas. I need to shape their attitudes.

So how do I do this?

First of all, have a dialogue about the reason for the holiday. We discuss what will happen and why we give and receive gifts. We explain how other family members will feel when they give my kids gifts.

Then, we do a little role-playing. It’s a good idea to sit around on the floor, opening imaginary presents. I like to play the bad kid, and show them what it’s like to say insensitive things after they give me a gift. Then we’ll try again, and I’ll be the good kid. Make the experience fun to make it memorable.

I also make a point, in these last few days before Christmas, to remind them to say thank you at every turn. Whether I’m getting them a glass of water or making cookies with them, I have them say thank you. If I get any negative attitude about this, I stop to explain the reason for gratitude.

Then on Christmas morning, before opening gifts, explain again what it means to give and receive. Remind the child of the role-playing you did and give all indications that now is the time to display grace and gratitude.

One final thing to teach is the sign language sign for thank you. If you have done all your teaching and the child still forgets to say thank you after opening a gift, you can stand behind the receiver, call the child’s name, get his eye contact, and quietly do the sign. Your child then gets a cue to say thank you without you having to verbally remind him in front of the giver.

Maureen Monfore is the author of www.ChildwiseChat.com and the eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. A mother to two young boys, Maureen recognizes the value of obedience and heart training in our children. She relies on the teachings of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo to show her the way. Her eBook is currently on sale for the holidays, for $7.99, which is 20% off the regular price.

Filed Under: Family Fun, Parenting Tagged With:

Does your husband have a free night?

October 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Post by Bethany from The Graceful Mom blog

Date NightSomething my husband and I have done for a few years is give each other a “free night” every week. It is a night where the other spouse gets to have a night off and use the time however he or she chooses away from home. I say “away from home” because it does not seem to work well, at least for us, to block off time at home. It just works better to get out of the house, and that is part of the gift. Some weeks we both use our “free night” and some weeks my husband uses two while I use none. It all works out in the end but it has been a very fun way to bless the other person.

Even thought it might not seem like it at first, we believe it really ties in to the Ezzo/Babywise philosophy of have a parent-directed philosophy. Our children see us prioritizing the other parent’s need for some downtime, and it also gives the parent at home a fun tonight to do something a little special with our children. For instance, my husband almost always uses his night to play ultimate frisbee. Thursday nights have now become popcorn and movie night for me with the kids. They love it, I get some extra cuddle, and my husband comes home so energized. Honestly, one of the things I like the most is seeing how happy and refreshed my husband is after coming back home. I used to get so anxious about single-parenting nights…now I really, truly look forward to them. Either my husband is out exercising his heart out or I usually try to meet up with some girlfriends for dessert.

I truly believe that offering each other some downtime has been a key part of how successful our marriage has been. We do also make spending quality time together a high priority, but I have learned the value of giving my husband that special time to himself. Ironically, it makes our marriage better too. We plan these nights in advance, and it has actually been a lot of fun seeing what the other person decides to do.

I know it is hard finding one more night to set aside but I promise it is well worth it. So if you have noticed your husband or wife looking a little peaked and worn out…offer them a free night…their choice…their blessing!

Filed Under: Marriage, Parenting Tagged With: , , , ,

Public Education

September 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

This post is intended to help Daddy Life readers relate to the processes of school choice when the result is public school. Yes, Sherry and I homeschool, but a majority of the population does not. I think that regardless of the education method you use, you should follow a process that includes research and a leading of the Lord. My guest for this post shares her family’s descition process that I think will help you in evaluating education options for your children.

Enjoy! Hank O

 

by Valerie Plowman

Choosing where and how to educate your children is not easy. Do you have the time and patience for homeschool? Can you afford private school? Is a charter school up to standards educationally? Will public school ruin your child forever?

There are many stereotypes associated with the various education choices. Sometimes stereotypes exist because there is truth to them. Sometimes stereotypes really only apply to extreme cases and don’t fairly represent a group. I think often times when it comes to education, the stereotypes associated fall into the latter. You know the stereotypes–homeschooled kids are “weird.” Private school kids are “snobs.” Public school kids are “out of control.”

So how do you look past the stereotypes and find what is best for your family? The best way is to observe classes and talk to other families who follow what you are considering. An important thing to realize is that while my public school might be fantastic, yours might not be where you want to send your child. While one charter school might not be meeting educational standards, another might be far and above those standards. And even if each choice before you looks great on paper, what is right for your family will vary from what is right for my family.

WHY PUBLIC?
So what made our family choose public education? The bottom line is prayer led us there, but of course we needed to educate ourselves before we went to the Lord with our decision. We spent time observing classrooms and in the end, our public school was what felt right for us.

Proximity
There are a few highlights that on paper worked for me. I like how close our school is to us. Currently, through 7th grade, our schools are in walking distance from our home. You do, of course, need to worry only about where the school is that you will be attending now. Our high school is a 10-15 minute drive (not bad), but in all likelihood, by the time my children are in high school, there will be a new high school built and we might attend a different school.

Why was proximity important to me? One reason is so I can quickly pick up and drop off my children. One is that it makes running to the school to volunteer or even drop something off it just that much easier. I can walk or ride bikes with my kids to and from school, which adds physical benefit. Another benefit is that I can make these trips in less time, which means less of a disruption to my younger children. Our charter school is a 30 minute round trip distance from my home. Doing that twice a day (or three times when you have an older child plus a kindergartener) is very likely to cut into a younger sibling’s nap time somewhere. I wouldn’t base our educational choices solely on driving time, but if all things are equal and I can either spend 1 hour a day driving or 10 minutes a day driving, the 10 minutes easily wins out for me.

Community
Our public school consists of the children at our church and in our little town. The charter school has children from all over the valley. I like feeling more connected to the people in our town and having that sense of community. I get to know people from the other side of town I would otherwise maybe never meet.

Fun Environment
While there are good expectations for good behavior in class, there is still a lot of fun that happens at the public school. I want school to be more than just learning concepts–I want learning in other areas also, and I think the fun of what our school offers allows for that learning to take place.

Social Learning Ground
This is really huge for me. I think school is a great place to learn and practice social skills. The unique social challenges faced in a school setting help with everything from conflict resolution to teaching compassion. Can it happen alone? Absolutely not. I think parents are a huge key to this. You need to have taught and continually be teaching your children these social skills. It starts at home and is reinforced at home.

WHAT ABOUT THE STEREOTYPES?
Like I said, there are stereotypes associated with any schooling choice you choose, including public schooling. So how do you deal with these?

Outside Influence
I think this is one big reason a lot of people homeschool. What about the influence of the teachers and students at school? This is really child-specific and school environment specific. Our school happens to be quite conservative in its values. As a family, we are conservative in our values. I know there are places in the country I would not feel comfortable sending my young children. At our school, however, I know my values are what are taught at school. Our school even has a character training program where they stress heavily trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, and citizenship.

There also are children who are better at maintaining home standards when away from home than others. You definitely want to be sure your individual child is capable of handling the freedom away from home before you send him/her off to school.

Lack of Home Influence
This is closely tied with outside influence. People worry about their child not having so much influence from home. This is a valid concern. We mitigate this by make sure we are spending time as a family when school is not in session. For as many hours as are spent at school each week, many more are spent at home. Make the time count at home–and make the years leading up to school count. I talk more about this concept in Fine Balance in Protecting Children.

A big thing you can do as a parent is to volunteer at the school. Help in your child’s class. Be involved in organizations at the school so you can influence what kinds of activities go on at the school. When I help in class, I get to see how my child behaves and I get the low-down from my child’s teacher. I also get to observe my child’s peers.

Mean Kids
I find mean kids to be one of the most difficult facets of sending your child to a room full of children the same age. My oldest has only just started second grade, and to this point, children are all still nice. The teachers have a huge influence and really stress that everyone is a friend. We have some great teachers at our school who have a real talent at united a class room.

It seems that often the age when children really can get mean is fourth grade, which is 9-10 year olds. This is an age when your child is really tested–on both sides. Will she be a mean kid? Or how will she respond if  mean kid picks on her? Or if a mean kid picks on her neighbor? These are moments character is tested.

My neighbor’s son went through fourth grade last year. It was a difficult year for him. He is one who stands up for what is right, which is a quality “mean kids” don’t appreciate so much. So he ended up getting picked on. He had some hard moments. But he also learned a lot, and this year is quite content. He has learned how to deal with the mean kids and is happy with who he is.

I have a friend who was picked on as a child because she was heavier. She commented to me that because of the teasing she had as a child, she learned compassion. She is very aware of others around her and works to make sure everyone feels included and valued. And she really does. I can’t think of a person who is better at welcoming and including others than she is.

When your child encounters difficult situations, no matter where it is, try to calm down your “mama bear” or “papa bear” inside of you and help your child learn how to work through the situation. These are teaching moments that will help your child in the future.

BRIGHT SIDE
Yes, there are difficult moments your child faces in school. But there are also rewarding moments. My son experienced a positive teaching moment at the end of school last year. He got sick and had to miss the last four days of school. He was sad to not get to say good-bye to his classmates before summer break. When his teacher told his class he wouldn’t be able to come back, they all decided to give him the end of the year prize–forfeiting any chance of getting it themselves. His teacher was in tears over how sweet it was, and so was I! So yes, you can encounter mean kids, but you can also encounter the sweetest side of humanity. We also had a student with a heart transplant last year, and it was amazing to watch his peers rally around him.

You can really build a great support network. If your school upholds your values, then the teachers act as a great partner for enforcing values you teach at home.

If you feel public education is right for your family, move forward with courage! You can most definitely make it work for you.

You can see more of my thoughts on public schooling here.

Valerie is a mother of four and blogs at www.babywisemom.com. 

Filed Under: Education, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

What Moms Want Dads to Know

August 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Mom and Dad

Photo source: churchleadergazette.com

By Maureen Monfore, http://www.ChildwiseChat.com

A couple weeks ago, Hank blessed us with a blog post about what dads want moms to know. I figured I would offer dads the same courtesy, unlocking the mystery behind every mom’s (or wife’s) approach to marriage and parenting.

Sometimes we just want to complain

It’s common knowledge that women like to vent and men like to fix. If we vent to you about our day, don’t offer solutions. Just listen. Even throw in a few lines like “I can’t believe he did that,” or “That’s crazy; how in the world did you cope?” Show some sympathy and commiserate with us. For a few pointers on how to listen well, eavesdrop on our conversations with other women. It might sound like a foreign language to you, but jot a few lines down and you’ll be fine.

Don’t take our lack of affection personally

Yes, this is something many moms need to work on. But dads need to know that our occasional lack of desire for physical touch has nothing to do with you. Those of us at home all day with our kids get enough physical touch by the time you get home. Our kids climb on us, sit on our laps while reading, play with our hair, follow us to the bathroom, and even ask us to open the peanut butter jar while we’re in the shower. (I speak from experience.)

What can you do? Give us a few minutes to ourselves. Force us to take some time away; we might not always think we need it. But some well-deserved alone time will help us recharge our batteries. Call it room time for moms!

We need reminders if life gets a little too child-centered

Dads have a very different perspective on the world than we do. You get out in the world and have real adult conversations with real adults. When we’re at home with a two-year-old who’s in the throes of potty training or a four-year-old who complains about his boo-boos, we forget what that’s like.

We are all too aware of the dangers of child-centered parenting (thanks to the Ezzos), but knowing and doing are two different things. And rather than flat-out telling us, schedule some adult time for us. Hire a sitter. Call up some friends. Make dinner reservations. Get us out of the house!

We might get a little bossy sometimes

Face it, we moms boss our kids around. It’s as it should be. Our lives would be complete chaos if we didn’t. But sometimes, after doing it for 10-12 hours on end, we get in the habit of being bossy. If we’re working on first-time obedience training, we might even wait for a “yes, mommy” and eye contact when we call your name. (Not really, well, maybe.) A simple “snap out of it” should suffice if you recognize our bossy tone. Or turn on the humor, and reply with “yes, mommy.”

Encourage us to get some sleep

The parenting experts tell us to sleep when our baby sleeps. But how in the world would we get anything done?! Whether we’re up all night with a newborn or physically exhausted from a day chasing after toddlers, we need our sleep. And for many of us, a lack of sleep affects our mood and our patience.

So if you see that we’re up past midnight, tell us to go to bed. Or if you see that we’re physically exhausted, tell us to go rest in bed for an hour. If that doesn’t work (because not many of us want to waste 2 hours napping while there’s so much to do), tell us to have some room time.

By the same token, make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Nobody wants to deal with a tired, grumpy you.

Give some thought to your body and your health

If we’re going to stop being bossy, you can’t rely on us to tell you to eat your vegetables or to cut back on the cookies. This came up on a Babywise moms message board recently. We want you to care about your health. If you think something is wrong, go to the doctor. If the doctor tells you to cut back on your salt intake, drink more water, or to exercise more, listen to him (or her)! No mom wants to be a young widow. We are nothing without our health. Take it seriously.

On a related note, think about how you present yourselves to us. Yes, you are allowed to relax when you get home. But that image of you lounging on the couch in your sweats with a package of Oreos does nothing to improve our desire for physical touch. If you notice that we brushed our hair and put on a little lip gloss before you got home, think twice before putting on your pajamas at 6pm.

Limit your screen time

Yes, this is something we say to our kids. There’s a reason we don’t let them watch TV or play video games for hours on end. But we adults need to follow the same advice. Smartphones, TVs and computers have taken over our lives. If you wonder why you don’t feel connected to your family, think about turning off the TV or putting the phone away. Even if you do nothing beyond that, a little eye contact does wonders for the relationship.

And if your relationship with your kids is centered on screen time (whether you’re playing a video game together or they’re looking over your shoulder while you’re on your phone), that’s all the more reason to limit your screen time. Turn it off and go outside! Play catch with your son or teach your daughter how to ride a bike. Those are the things that memories are made of!

Help out

If you come home from work and the house is a mess, take that as your cue that you need to pitch in. If we seem stressed out about it, don’t ask us what needs to be done. That will only make us think—and stress—about it all. If the dishwasher is full, unload it. If hampers are overflowing, sort laundry. Or just grab a broom and start sweeping. Make this your motto: don’t ask; just do.

After you read this, chat with your wife about it. You may think that none of it applies to your family, but I bet at least a small portion does. If you are the one to bring it up, your wife will be honest with you. This is where it’s okay to ask. Open up those lines of communication and you’ll do wonders to improve your relationship with your wife and with your kids.

Live in Harmony with First-Time ObedienceMaureen Monfore is a mother of two young boys, a freelance writer, and the author of ChildwiseChat.com and the eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. A loyal follower of the teachings of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, she is passionate about teaching children to obey to pave the way for fun, love, learning, and essential moral development.

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Daddy Intuition

June 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Bethany Lynch at The Graceful Mom

Most everyone chatters about women’s intuition or gut feeling. Just
the other night I got a “Good Call!” from my husband when my son took
about 2 seconds too long washing his hands and then came running out
of the bathroom.

Go let the water out of the sink, buddy!!

Sure enough it was full of bubbles. Mommy intuition has served me well
many days. However, there is also a lot of truth in that sometimes
daddies hit the nail on the head too. It is a pain and a privilege to
have a husband that understands our kids better than I at times.

My husband and I have followed Babywise from birth with both children.
He has been very much on the same page with parent-directed rearing
and first-time obedience. Usually we do not differ too widely in our
approach. However, the one thing that he always gets right is
shortening naps. Every.single.time. He has always had this great
insight into when our kids are ready for more waketime and less sleep.
I usually stress over it, troubleshoot for week, poll other Babywise
friends…and then finally decide to try the dreaded shorter nap.
Almost every time it has worked like a charm. No more nap fiascoes
(mostly), no more troubleshooting, much less hassle, and more
well-rested kids overall.

Is napping the end of the world? Of course not, but ask any mom with a
2 year old on a hardcore nap strike if she would like a solution for
better naps. Shortening naps is not a solution for every sleep issue,
but both of our kids have done very well with dropping naps or
shortening sleep at the suggestion of my husband. Unfortunately, it
has taken me almost 4 years to admit this!!

Naps are just one of his specialties. There are many other areas where
my husband has shown this great “daddy intuition.” He, like many dads,
does an excellent job at assessing the whole picture, where we as
mothers often get bogged down in the details. I think he also does a
better job at being relaxed about troubleshooting or trying different
approaches. Almost every time I have over analyzed a decision, my husband can
offer more clarity than I even imagined.

Next time you are searching for answers for a scenario, let your
husband give it a spin. I bet that he is probably a lot closer to the
answer than you think!

 

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Father’s Impact on His Daughters

May 10, 2012 By 1 Comment

Father and Daughter

by Valerie Plowman

My first-born child is a boy. Following him was a son that we lost at 20 weeks gestation. After that, I was sure I was “destined” to be a mother of all boys. I had always gotten along well with boys and figured this was my perfect role in life.

Fast forward to today when I have since had two girls and am expecting my third. As usual, the Lord had different plans for me than I had for myself.

With all of these daughters, I have been pondering how to raise wonderful women. As I have done so, I remember my mother often telling me that I was lucky because a father has a huge impact on the self-esteem of his daughters. I was lucky. I consider my dad to be one of the best men to ever walk this planet. I am fortunate to have married a man that I think is equally as wonderful as my own father.

As I was thinking of what to write for this guest post, I decided on a post encouraging and informing fathers of their great impact on their daughters. Research supports what my mother always told me–fathers have a huge influence on the self-esteem of their daughters. Of course fathers impact sons, also, but given my perspective as a female, I thought I would focus on daughters today. I also want to encourage any parent who is parenting without a father present for any reason. There are many people who grew up without fathers who are confident, capable people. Most often, this is attributed to the extreme dedication and effort by the mother. Knowing what a father does for a daughter can help you think of ways to fill in these gaps.

Dr. Margaret J. Meeker, a pediatrition with more than 20 years of experience in counseling girls, wrote a book called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know. In it, she lists some findings from her research on the important influence of fathers. Here are some:

  • Toddlers securely attached to fathers are better at solving problems.
  • Six-month-olds scored higher on tests of mental development when their dads were involved in their lives.
  • With dads in the home, children managed school stress better.
  • Daughters whose fathers provide warmth and control achieve higher academic success. Girls involved with dad are twice as likely to stay in school.
  • Daughters who are close to their fathers exhibit less anxiety and withdrawn behaviors.
  • The likelihood that daughters engage in premarital sex, drug use, and alcohol plummets when their dads are involved in their lives.
  • Daughters who feel that their fathers care about them and feel connected with their dads have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and unhealthy weight.
  • A daughter’s self-esteem is best predicted by her father’s loving affection.

Meeker says, “From the first years of a girl’s life her father is larger than life. She looks up to him, and for the rest of her life she craves his admiration, his respect and his affection.”

Her research is not alone in these findings. This paper supports these findings. A tid-bit from this paper is: 

“According to research conducted by Nielsen, “fathers generally have as much or more influence than mothers on many aspects of their daughters’ lives. For example, the father has the greater impact on the daughter’s ability to trust, enjoy and relate well to the males in her life …well-fathered daughters are usually more self-confident, more self-reliant, and more successful in school and in their careers than poorly-fathered daughters …Daughters with good relationships with their father are also less likely to develop eating disorders” (2007, ¶ 12).”

So you now believe that the father is a huge impact, but what can a father do to have a positive influence on his daughters? I won’t pretend to have all of the answers. I would encourage continual prayerfulness and observance of your daughter to analyze what you can do for your daughter. Here are some ideas for you.

  • Be present in her life. Spend time with her, talk with her, be involved in daily things like bedtime, and invite her to help you with your own projects. My five year old daughter doesn’t have a special interest in tools, but she loves to be in the garage and help her dad simply because she wants to spend time with him.
  • Be supportive of her. Attend her special events. My dad made it to everything he possibly could to support me in my various activities and events. My husband recently left work for an hour so he could go to my daughter’s preschool class simply to read her favorite book to the class. He apparently reads it the very best. She was concerned at my ability to read it correctly. He surprised her by coming and reading it. She was thrilled. Our daughters have supportive grandfathers. Our daughter recently had a dance recital. Neither grandmother was able to come that night, but both grandfathers were there anyway.
  • Go on dates. One-on-one time is great. Take your daughter out on special dates. My husband and I shoot for one special date per child per month. We alternate who we have on our special date. The children love this. From my own childhood, I remember one particular time when my father took my sister and I to the Phantom of the Opera. In January, we saw an advertisement that it would be in our area the next July. Just one time, we told our dad how we would love to see it. We never mentioned it again. He surprised us with the best seats in the house. My dad is not a “Phantom of the Opera” type of a guy. He is more of a Pittsburgh Steelers or New York Yankees type of a guy. This special date meant a lot to us.
  • Compliment her. Offer sincere compliments and encouragement. Your words will mean a lot.
  • Offer physical affection. This isn’t usually a difficulty in the father/daughter relationship, but be sure you give your daughter the cuddles, hugs, and kisses she needs from you.

Do not make the false assumption that your presence in your daughter’s life is of minimal impact. Your daughter will look for a spouse that reminds her of you–for better or worse. You being male does not mean you will not have a huge impact on how your daughter views herself as a female–studies suggest you have even more of an impact than the mother. You are an important aspect to your daughter’s life.

Valerie is the mother of three and one on the way. She blogs at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom.


 

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Dad’s role in FTO training

April 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Maureen Monfore, www.childwisechat.com

Dad and First Time Obedience TrainingIn On Becoming Childwise and Growing Kids God’s Way, the Ezzos make it clear that training a child in first-time obedience (FTO) is one of the most important parenting tasks. When we train a child in first-time obedience, our primary goal is that they will obey us the first time we give an instruction, no questions asked.

In my blog, www.childwisechat.com, and on message boards, I hear moms struggle with the fact that their children seem to respond to the FTO training they have done. But the minute their husbands get home, the children don’t listen to him.

So let me be clear that although much of the training can be done by mom since she’s home most of the day, dads must also work with their children on first-time obedience.

It would make sense that all you have to do is teach a child a skill like first-time obedience one time and it will carry over to all other relationships. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Our children figure us out very quickly. They know that moms and dads have different standards, however minor they may be, and they will only rise to the standard you each hold.

So unfortunately, dads, this means that you cannot rest on your laurels after a long day’s work and let your wife do all of the obedience training. All of the aspects of first-time obedience training apply to you just as much as they do to your wife.

If you’re new to the idea of first-time obedience training, you can learn more on my blog or in my eBook, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience. There are several principles to consider when laying a solid foundation for FTO training. They include:

Understand that first-time obedience is a skill your child needs to learn. It’s also a new habit you will need to set for yourself. It will be difficult at first, especially if your child is used to ignoring you, but the payoff is so rewarding.

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Babywise Tips for Working Parents

March 16, 2012 By Leave a Comment

It’s Babywise Blog Network Week! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

· Monday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
· Tuesday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
· Wednesday: Hank Osborne, Daddy Life
· Thursday: Rachel Rowell, My Baby Sleep Guide
· Friday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom

Help us promote solidarity within the Babywise/Ezzo community by subscribing to these blogs.

___________________________________

by Bethany Lynch from The Graceful Mom

Dancing with mom

Photo Credit van city 197

I read Babywise while pregnant with my first child. It just jived with our natural parenting philosophy and gave us structure for how to start. I think that is what I love most about Babywise…the ”start as you mean to go on” mentality. We parent very similarly to this day as we did over 4 years ago. We do not change our tactics after they sleep through the night, or walk, or start preschool.

What I was unprepared for was losing much of the structure when I returned to work. I was heartbroken at the thought of daycare changing everything I had worked on the previous 3 months. It took a lot of trial and error and a few tears to figure out how to keep our parenting goals and philosophies when we were not always physically there.

While our goals may not match everyone’s goals, I think there are quite a few things that are applicable to many working moms and dads. Here are my favorite aspects of babywise that make a huge difference in our satisfaction and ability to be very involved while we are at work:

  • Find a mutual caregiver. If daycare is not working, find something else. If your family member refuses to work with you, consider daycare. For us, a nanny was the best solution. We still evaluate it every 6 months or so. Being happy with our caregiver was probably one of the biggest factors in my peace and happiness while away at work.
  • Use a log just like daycare even if your mom or best friend is watching your children. Sometimes just knowing if they ate or slept is extremely helpful. Down the road, you can use it to look for structure, potty training, time outs, funny stories.
  • Don’t be afraid of structure when you are home. For awhile, I thought that I needed to be fun and carefree on my days off or the weekends. My kids really do like predictability, and they need to know the rules and reasons are still the same.
  • Don’t be afraid of flexibility. Yes, I know I just mentioned structure. I also tend to be overbearing or overstructured as a working mom at times. Recently I decided to start waking my son up 40 min early when my work schedule changed. It was much more important to cuddle with him and start his day early than to deal with the attitude from missing me.
  • Take your children on dates. I think this is important if you stay at home or work outside the home, but I think it is crucial for working parents to provide that extra special attention. I have even taken personal days specifically for taking a child on a special date. My kids need one-on-one time on a regular basis. We often run errands with one child, and not for ease but for special time. Make sure that dates are dates, and not errands, though.
  • Aim to stay on the same page as your spouse, especially with obedience and discipline. My husband backs me up 100% as a mother and validates almost all of my parenting decisions. We regularly take time to discuss discipline strategy, sleep needs, education, childcare. While this tip is not unique to being a working mom, I am absolutely certain that I would not be the mother that I am without the support of my husband.
  • Find unique ways to implement structured activities like room time and couch time. We still make a point for our children to observe us in conversation without interruption each evening. It may be while we fix supper, while we sit in the backyard, or while the kids finish eating those last 3 bites. Roomtime comes and goes. I wish I could do it every day but it depends on our nanny and how often I have errands on my days off. As they get older, it gets easier, and I try to do it even for 15-30 most days. Some of my favorite moments have been listening to them play together nicely and use their imagination by themselves.
  • Give your children (and yourself) the gift of sleep. I work with so many parents that feel guilty about missed time and let their kids stay up late every single night. We have certainly made exceptions but consistently teaching our children to sleep well has been one of the best things we did. Bedtime is usually without exception. We also started sleep training from birth. Our kids slept through the night around 4 months of age, for the most part, and I could not imagine working full-time more than a couple of weeks without a full night’s sleep.
  • Don’t over-commit your family time. As a working mom, I feel like I need to have the same attention to detail and opportunities as moms that work in the home. Soccer, classroom volunteer, playgroups. Sometimes it just isn’t possible, and the most important thing is that our family gets enough time together even if that means cutting out other obligations.
  • Don’t wish for what isn’t. I love the structure and parent-directed emphasis of Babywise. I love the results of sleep training. I hate that I am not here all day to implement my dream routine. I hate that I feel like I have to compromise with caregivers. I hate that I often wonder “what if.” The best tip I could ever give another working mom (or dad) is to value what you have. Value what you can do, the values you can instill, the time you can structure…and those sweet grubby hands.

Bethany Lynch is a full-time mother of two young children, a son and daughter. She also works as a full-time NICU pharmacist. Frustrated with the lack of resources for Christian working moms, she decided to start her own inspirational blog. She is very passionate about encouraging other mothers balancing work and family.

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